Stepmom refuses to spend $1000 on gifts from her baby to her 8 and 9-year-old stepdaughters, grandparents accuse her of not caring about the girls: 'My husband said it's just another negative for our son if we don't'

Author image for Emmy Pratt
Emmy Pratt • Writer and Editor
Oct 1, 2024 8:00 PM EDT

Getting a new sibling can be a big transition for kids, but do you know what's an even bigger transition? Getting two new siblings, one from your mom and one from your stepmom, within a few weeks of each other. A stepmother of eight and nine-year-old girls recently took to Reddit because she doesn't know how to deal with her husband's exes' competitive nature. The mother of the girls announced that she was pregnant weeks before the stepmother did, and that's not all. She decided to buy each girl $500 worth of gifts from the baby. Not only is this gesture more appropriate for a toddler than a 3rd grader, but it's exorbitantly expensive. The stepmother's husband and his parents expect her to do the same for her baby and can't wrap their heads around how impractical it is. They don't even clock how it's beginning a toxic cycle of unwinnable competition for these women. 

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  • 01
    Cheezburger Image 10411544576
    via Hans Isaacson (Unsplash+)

    This image is for illustration only, and the subjects are models; the image does not depict the actual subjects of the story.

  • 02
    AITA for refusing to spend a lot of money on gifts "from the baby" to my stepdaughters?
    via u/Defiant_Customer_501
  • 03
    My husband (33m) has two daughters (9 and 8) from a previous marriage. He shares custody of them with his ex wife Mina (33f). They divorced 7 years ago. I met him 5 years ago and we're almost 2 years married now. This is my (30f) first biological child.
    via u/Defiant_Customer_501
  • 04
    Things are tense between us and Mina. I mostly stay out of discussions between them because she does not like it and ultimately, the girls don't need more tension between their two homes for the sake of me showing up. That doesn't mean I don't discuss things with my husband or that I'm uninvolved. But when it comes to communicating with their mom, I don't insist that my voice be heard equally like the two bio and legal parents. My husband would like me to be an equal part of it. But tension is s
    via u/Defiant_Customer_501
  • 05
    I bring this up because this is being taken into consideration on this point. A few weeks before I found out I was pregnant, the girls told my husband Mina was pregnant. Mina is single, for anyone who asks, and is pregnant via a donor. They were really excited. When we told them we were expecting they weren't excited. They see their mom having a baby as different than me having a baby with their dad. We get along so this was a surprise. But they don't see me as a parent so them the baby isn't a
    via u/Defiant_Customer_501
  • 06
    Now onto the gifts. Mina bought the girls roughly $500 worth of gifts each that they'll get "from the baby" when she's born. My husband wanted us to do this too and he told me we need to match it at least because they already prefer their sister from mom and still don't see their brother from us as a real sibling. Neither baby is born yet btw. I told him I didn't think we should spend a lot on gifts like that. My husband said he's worried it's just another negative for our son if we don't. My hu
    via u/Defiant_Customer_501
  • 07
    DragonCelica ΝΤΑ I couldn't help but laugh at the idea of a newborn coming out and clutching a gift for their siblings. Unless it's a gift certificate, I'd hope for a c-section. Even then, talk about the worst paper cut of your life
    via u/DragonCelica
  • 08
    Apologies if I went a bit far. I was just hoping to make you chuckle when I know you're under a lot of stress. If you engage in this competition with Mina, it won't stop here. I have no doubt it'll escalate. Rise above and don't play this game. You're doing the right thing by going to family therapy. I really hope it makes a difference.
    via u/DragonCelica
  • 09
    Defiant_Customer_501 OP It is a funny concept I will admit. Like I get why some parents do it and why there are people who like it. But to me it makes more sense for really little kids who won't understand as much. Even then, to each their own, but the competition aspect for us is just not what I want to engage in.
    via u/Defiant_Customer_501
  • 10
    Environmental_Art591 We did a little dog that barks (and I think cost like $10) for our eldest when our middle was born cause they are 3 years apart, but we didn't do anything when our youngest was born because they are 5years younger than our middle child. The age is what makes the difference, like you said, younger ones just see competition for attention, older siblings know the difference. Even still $500 each is excessive (I don't even spend that much on Xmas or birthdays) and makes me feel
    via u/Environmental_Art591
  • 11
    You need to tell your husband this can't happen, and if he refuses to listen, tell him couples counselling because you will not allow him to use your child as a prop in his competition with his ex wife.
    via u/Environmental_Art591
  • 12
    Defiant_Customer_501 OP This worries me too. Our son is already at a disadvantage with the girls but to then enter him into a competition willingly is not something I'm okay with. And going and spending a thousand and beyond to compete is just not okay to me.
    via u/Defiant_Customer_501
  • 13
    ausernamebyany_other No matter what you spend, it's not going to change your step daughters views. They either see they have a brother via dad or they don't. All the spending will do is lead to spoiled kids. I'd instead recommend that dad take them out for a day to remind them that even with the new baby he loves them and they will still get his time and attention. Maybe a small token big sister gift for each of them too.
    via u/ausernamebyany_other
  • 14
    DragonCelica I can understand why some parents would do this if it might help foster a sibling bond or reduce jealousy. This isn't really about the giving of gifts though, so much as it's about allowing Mina to create a competition where the kids become collateral. I'm wondering if the kids rejecting their unborn brother prematurely has anything to do with whatever Mina may be telling them.
    via u/DragonCelica
  • 15
    Defiant_Customer_501 OP It could be. We can't be sure about it. But it's something my husband did mention.
    via u/Defiant_Customer_501
  • 16
    maplestriker We did this. Our daughter was 3.5 and it was a doll, nothing extravagent. But even at 3.5 years old she obviously knew her baby brother didnt bult the toy in my uterus. She knew we were bullshitting her. I'd be insulted if my mom tried this at 9.
    via u/maplestriker
  • 17
    Defiant_Customer_501 OP I think at 9 you either get the kids who'd be insulted or the ones who shrug and don't care because gifts! Most of the time anyway.
    via u/Defiant_Customer_501
  • 18
    Farahild It's a really cute idea if you give them a toy that specifically helps them build a relationship, for example give the big children a big teddybear (or something) and give the baby a smaller matching teddy bear (or better yet, they have to 'take care of the small bear' and then they get to give it to the baby once he's born). Or something they can look forward to doing with the baby once it's a bit older, like finger painting materials and they can plan that for when the baby is like 8+
    via u/Farahild
  • 19
    Anyway, there's tons of cute things to think of that can help create that sibling bond. But if you're just giving a bunch of unrelated presents, you're basically buying off your children for having a sibling. Which imo is harmful. Honestly I think your husband should have that conversation with Mina before either baby arrives and get on the same page, both acknowledging that buying your children off for having a sibling is going to emphasize that apparently siblings are something you need to be
    via u/Farahild
  • 20
    Defiant_Customer_501 OP Even if my husband talks to Mina, they won't be on the same page about this. To her this is a competition now and which baby the girls will be closer to. She knows she's already "winning" too.
    via u/Defiant_Customer_501
  • 21
    Lagoon13579 Mina is "winning" now. But she sounds like a person who is choreographing her life and children. The kids are young at the moment, but I predict clashes when they are teens. If your house can be a laid back, relaxed space, I think it is pretty likely that your step daughters will come to value being with you in future. Don't try and orchestrate the sibling bond and maybe refer to your baby as their half brother, because he is, there is nothing wrong with that, and it is factually cor
    via u/Lagoon13579
  • 22
    Lara1327 Unfortunately, she will likely "win" the competition. The girls are already biased and I'm sure she is telling them all kinds of nonsense. The only way you can win is by playing the long game. Be there for the girls. Treat them with love and kindness and teach them the same. Don't engage in petty competition. Eventually they will mature and begin to see their petty mother more clearly. They might not ever have a close relationship with your son because he is a much younger boy but don't
    via u/Lara1327

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coparenting stepmother gifts baby presents present infant kids stepmom daughters parenting stepdaughters dad grandparents daughter mom parents
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